Yes, indeed. Here I am again, friends. The night before the biopsy. Another biopsy. I have to say I'm not thrilled. Especially considering the fact that I'm 1 for 3 where biopsies are concerned lately. One of my past three has been benign, or negative for cancer. So, the odds, as they say, aren't necessarily in my favor. But, what are odds. Just numbers, a retelling of past stories and circumstances. I don't need to dwell on the odds.
But, I would prefer not to have to be awake when they snip out their sample to send off to the lab. I'd rather not have to sit in wait for the lab to do their work and return a result, a verdict. And if at all possible, I certainly would like to avoid a phone call from yet another doctor saying, "I'm sorry. It's not what we hoped for."
I know. I know. Many of these tests are just routine. With my cancer history, it just makes sense to take the biopsy. Better safe than sorry. Better to cover all the bases then to be surprised by a cancer that could have been managed now only to find it later, out of control. So, biopsy.
I have had much more gracious "night before's". I'm feeling edgy and a emotionally raw. Like I could laugh and cry at the same time.
I received the final proof of my book Finding Myself...Facing Cancer. And my excitement and joy at holding the finished product in my hand was almost overwhelming...there are no words to explain the feeling of holding my book-baby in my hands, the culmination of many hours of writing, revising and work. Many tears were shed in the making of this book. And here I am this same night, hoping I am not once again finding myself facing cancer.
I am weary, I will admit. The last several months have been full of such beauty and such pain I cannot explain. There has been such growth and healing and joy, and at the same time pain and grief and sadness. Personally and professionally there have been many life-altering events that have occurred, which have caused me to question the purpose and my place in it all. But I arrive at one conclusion: come what may, God is good.
Circumstances sting and prick and wound, but God is good. People harm and confuse and frustrate, but God is good. This world is all at once harsh and beautiful, and God is good.
I was listening to the song Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells all day today, singing and weeping. "On the mountain I will bow my life to the One who set me there. In the valley I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there." Every step of the way in this life I have been held, guided, led and blessed. I have dealt with the consequences of my own poor decisions and have been angry and accusatory, blaming God rather than taking responsibility for myself. I know that every mountain top, every good and perfect gift, is from my Heavenly Father. I know every valley is a part of the journey and I do not walk it alone. I am certain of this.
So as I consider what lies before me tomorrow, I step ahead with eyes wide open. I know there is just as good of a chance that the test will come back clear as there is that they will have found "something". Regardless of the results, despite the odds, I know Who is with me and because He is good, I am good. All is well.
“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”
― Julian of Norwich